“The difference between happy and unhappy couples isn't how they fight — it's how they respond to small moments of reaching out.”
— John Gottman, The Relationship Cure
What Is a Bid?
A bid is any attempt to connect with another person. It's a unit of emotional communication — a small gesture that says "I want to connect with you right now."
Bids come in hundreds of forms. A question ("Did you see that sunset?"). A comment ("This coffee is really good today"). A sigh. A smile. Sharing something you read. Touching someone's arm as you walk past. Laughing at their joke. Asking about their day.
John Gottman, the psychologist who has studied relationships for over four decades, discovered that these tiny bids are the fundamental building blocks of all human relationships — not just romantic ones. Friendships, family relationships, work partnerships — they all run on this same micro-currency of connection.
The bid itself is usually unremarkable. What matters is what happens next.
When someone makes a bid, the other person has three possible responses: turning toward (acknowledging and engaging with the bid), turning away (ignoring or missing it), or turning against (rejecting it with hostility or dismissal).
Gottman's research found that couples who eventually divorced turned toward each other's bids only 33% of the time. Couples who stayed happy together? 86%. The difference between lasting connection and eventual disconnection is how consistently you turn toward.
A "bid" is any attempt to connect: a question, a comment, a look, a joke, a touch. The health of any relationship depends on how often these bids are met with turning toward rather than turning away.